Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goodbye & Good Riddance 2013!

Moving on from 2013 is not going to be very difficult.  Looking back over the year I can pick out a few gems in a mountain of dung.  My high school reunion was a high point due to some very special people who are close to my heart. A good friend got married this year to the love of her life and their joy makes me happy.  My boys got their GED's this year!  My daughter was inducted into the National Honor Society & got her drivers license! Greg has been amazingly supportive when he could have understandingly run for the hills.

But 2013 took more than it gave unfortunately.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia & the disease has made me have to redefine not only my life but also myself.  I am no longer the person I was a year ago.  I can no longer work.  It overshadows everything I do and there isn't one time that my actions are limited by my disease.  I can't even do my own grocery shopping anymore.    I've spent the majority of my life overcoming obstacles and keeping things positive. I've spent the majority of my life asserting my independence and doing everything I had to do to provide for y children.  This disease has become my greatest challenge.  I'm looking forward to 2014 with cautious hope.  I am going to find the new me!  Hopefully I will be able to find my optimism again. I'm going to find a way to shake this funk off.  I pray that they at least find a better medication for this disease if not a cure.  I pray I find some relief this year.

 No matter how good or bad this year has been; I wish you a better year in 2014. I wish love and kindness upon you and yours.   I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Monday, December 16, 2013

Life will be what I make of it

Just a quick note:  Always hit save before closing an app!  

As you may have noticed, I have been struggling lately to find myself.    I feel as though my disease has taken everything away that constitutes me.   I have been independent to some extent for as long as I can remember . 

I was telling a friend of mine about Head Start yesterday.   For those of you who are unfamiliar, Head Start is a preschool for the financially challenged.  The goal is to instill in very young children that they can take care of themselves (like set up a luncheon for their parents, serve the juice and cookies and clean up after themselves).   If the program still works in the same manner as it did all those years ago.......in a galaxy far away....then it is extremely successful.   I have done everything in my power to be independent my entire life.   

Well all that has changed.   I must depend on others to take care of me and mine since I am unable to do so myself.   This has set me into a complete identity crisis.  

Truthfully, I have found myself in tears several times a day for the last few weeks. The good news is that I recognize the problem and have been looking for a solution.  

Bare with me now....I have to take u the round about way there...... 
My car broke down recently.   In the course of waiting for it to be repaired, the battery in my phone started to die; This resulted in me borrowing power from the local AT&T.   While waiting for my phone to charge, I futzed around with an IPAD.   I found an app that looked interesting on it.   So later, I looked for the app and found one called Newsify.   Well, this app lead me to an interesting article called Project 365.

It can be any number of things but in this case they were discussing photography.  It's a commitment to yourself and in some cases, to the public that you will take a picture once a day for a year.   

I have decided that this is the first step for me in the right direction to help me find my worth again. 

So dear friends, family and random reader, I commit to my Project 365 beginning January 1, 2014 (the year my baby graduates high school).   Not only will I take 1 photo per day but I will share 1 photo per day.   I may write a small note about the picture, a large post or a poem along with it......but no matter how good or bad, I will share 1 photo a day.  

I hope you are excited as I am.   Here is a little preview to wet your whistle:   

                    Weekend Storm

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

What a difference a visit makes .......

I had an old friend stop in for a visit all the way from GA!  We sat and talked for hours.  Even though I didn't completely forget about my pain....It was placed on the back burner as we reminisced and talked and talked and talked some more.   Kids,  men, kids, boys, kids, friends, health, respect, faith, friendship, love.....Nothing in the world can beat a true friendship.  Nothing in the world can beat a visit from a friend.

I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.  It helps to reflect upon the good things in our lives and it's great to spend time with a friend.  I know I keep saying it but the truth is that I get pretty lonely sometimes and this visit means the world to me :)

Now as promised, a discussion on disability.   You would think that, if a person was to become permanently disabled,  the process to receive disability would be pretty simple so that those who need the help can get the help.  No...it's just like any other government run agency.   You have to fill out loads of forms and subject yourself to a complete evaluation on the limitations that have presented themselves to your lives.   It is a difficult process emotionally because it completely reminds you of all the things that you can no longer do and what you can no longer achieve.   They also may ask that you see one of their doctors...either the psychologist or a general physician or both.  I got the psychologist(which I never even saw a copy of the report....apparently you don't get to see that until a later point in the process)

Then after all of that, right off the bat(which means 6 months down the road), you are denied. The letter informing you of your denial is worded carefully....it states that they are not saying that they believe that I can return to my previous job but there must be something out there that I can do though they do not know specifically what that is.  They state that they are not claiming that I do not have the issues I do....but I could be worse.  It's truly a ridiculous letter designed to cover their tushes while hiding the real reason for the denial.  My age.

That's right, if you are under 55, apparently according to the government, you can't possibly be disabled.   So they deny you upon your first request.

At that point, you appeal their decision.  Then you fill out all the forms again reminding yourself of all the things you can't do.  But I think this is the important part, they request records from your physician.  Yeah...not until the appeals process....I find it strange that they can deny your claim without having those records but that's the truth of the matter.  I have been told that at this point(where I am now) only 20% are approved.   I'm hoping and praying that I am part of that 20%, though everyone has told me that I shouldn't expect it ....once again because of my age.   I would think that since they have my medical records now, it should be simple.  My doctor (a highly respected physician) has made it absolutely clear ,both to me as well as in the medical records, that I am permanently disabled.  He has been blunt with me because the truth of the matter is that I would trade almost anything in this world to be healthy again....even partially...enough to support myself and my family again.

Now I have been informed that if I am denied at this point, the next step is a court hearing.  There is a possibility that I wouldn't even have to physically attend the meeting seeing as, depending how far away it is, driving makes my pain worse.  Now here's the kicker, if I have to go to the hearing portion of the appeals, the courts are backed up.  The shortest amount of time I should expect before a hearing can be scheduled is currently a year....could be as long as 2 years.  We are talking after the first 9 months of the process.

So since my temporary disability is no longer in effect, I have been told to expect that I will have absolutely no money for at least a year and an a half.   That's the minimum amount of time.....and it's mainly in my case because of my AGE!    Its not because I'm not disabled....I have documented proof that I am.    It's because of my age and it truly is sad.

There has to be a better way to weed out fraud while caring for the people who truly do need the help.    You are entitled to it if you qualify based on your previous work experience.  If you contributed to the system for the correct number of years, you are entitled to receive a disability payment should u become disabled.  But the system appears to be so delayed that it is damaged...maybe even broken.   No one who is familiar with my case and with the system have any doubt that I will eventually be approved.  When I am approved, I will receive a payment that goes back to when I initially filed when I stopped working.  So...there isn't any savings for the government.   It's similar to an insurance claim., they will delay payment and deny payment in the hopes that you will give up and then they don't have to pay.  It's really despicable that even though they have all the proof they need that I am permanently disabled, that they still hope that it just becomes too much for me to handle and I give up.                                                                                                        
Well, I will not be giving up because unfortunately I don't have a choice....I"m permanently disabled.  

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Chris Angel's Neck

I was sitting here watching tv(my second largest pastime since becoming disabled.   I saw a commercial for Chris Angel's newest stunt.  If you don't know who he is, he is a magician known for his over the top tricks. Some would compare him to a modern day Houdini.

Well, his most recent trick entails being placed in 2 straight jackets, hung upside down and have a 50 lb weight(or a rope that weighs 50 lbs (it wasn't really clear which).  All I could think was why in the world would anyone put themselves in a position to hurt their spine.   Maybe if they knew what my daily life is like, they would be more careful so as not to jeopardize their quality of life.

I know I haven't checked in lately.  I was under the impression that I was doing a good impression of a person handling all the latest stresses well.    You should see it, my impression, it's really pretty damn great. ......Except then I realized some little things. For example, I haven't been on here a while, I haven't spent any quality time with friends and family(couldn't bear the thought of picking up the phone even), had a hard time when people did call sometimes, I shower every other day and since my clothes are too tight on me  because I have gained alot of weight due to medication and lack of activity, I don't have any money at all coming in since my temporary disability has run out and my permanent is in appeals(if denied, could take another year before I get a hearing to have it approved...(.more on this will follow.) ).......  

Truth is the pain has been getting worse as we transition into winter.  I am in constant pain and occasionally will have a wave of fresh and stronger pain shoot through my body.  I'm cranky.  I'm tired. I'm sad.

So who in their right mind would jeopardize their life in a deliberate way that could end up like me?   Ok so you say your not in your right mind....or that the money is worth it.....trust me...it's not.....This is a horrible disease.    Well enough on ranting on Chris Angel.....I promise my next post will at least be an attempt at being more productive....Keep your eyes open for a frank conversation about the disability system.   (I know exciting right? )

Toodles for now

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Dear Reader

Please forgive my absence.  It isn't that I didn't have anything to say. I think it's because I've had too much to say. Every once in awhile, it's all just too much and you need to take however long you need, in order to move forward.

I guess I should update you first. I went to the neurosurgeon to evaluate the tumor. He was able to discern the tumor on the MRI from a year and 1/2 ago. He was able to measure it and it is the same size as now. After reviewing my symptoms and my films, he made it perfectly clear that the tumor is in absolutely no way the cause of my fibromyalgia. Based upon the previous MRI Versus the current CT scan, the course of treatment is to watch it. If it grows, it would be a cause to remove it but at this time it is not recommended.

I had a tough time after that visit.  This is what I wrote a little over a week ago on my patientslikeme account.
"Since then, I have had to completely readjust.  As this disease has taken my life away in a slow steady pace, I had time to process each loss along the way slowly rather than the position I am in now.  I had hope for the first time.   That hope has been completely removed.  It's clear to myself and my doctors that I am disabled.  So much so that I truly am never expected to return to work.  I've lost my worth a little bit.  Not that I'm truly worth less.....but it feels that way lately.   And yes I purposely separated worth and less...because I'm not worthless....I feel worth     less.    And it's been hard to handle this time.  I'm trying to get back to good but it's going to take a little while.

I've also recognized recently that my doctor was correct when he had reported to me that a majority of fibro patients report a lessening of their condition in the summer.   Fact is I had  less "very bad" days during the summer.  Also, recently I have felt a significant worsening of the symptoms in the last week or so as the weather has been changing.  It's beautiful but I'm quickly going back to being unable to move prior to noon regardless of what time I went to sleep.  I'm sleeping about 12 hours a day the last 2 days. Getting up in the morning has also been excruciating."

All that being said, I actively made a choice to pull myself out of the slump.  I'm not saying that I am 100% fine because then I would be completely bullshitting both of us.  Truth be told though, I'm doing a bit better than I was when I wrote that entry. I took the dog for a walk last week.  10 mins and I needed to rest but at least I did it.  Then on Thursday, I was able to get up early enough to make it to my water aerobics class that I  haven't been to since the spring.  Granted, I ended up being knocked on my @ss for the rest of the day but that's how these things go.  I've had some bad days lately but I've also had moments with my family that I can hold close and keeps me going.  One step at a time is the only way to walk....so that's how I'm trying to take it.

If I haven't explained what "patientslikeme" is , here goes.  www.patientslikeme.com   An extremely helpful website that allows you to track your disease(s), your symptoms, your mood, your treatment so that you and hopefully your doctor can look and compare to see what is working for you and what isn't.  It also acts as a support group because you can interact with other people who share the same disease as you.  Additionally, you can look to see what's working for other people and look into clinical trials in your area.  I can't speak highly enough of this site.  It gives you what you put into it results wise.  Additionally, I bring a printout when I go to see my doctor that let's the doctor see how I have been doing since seeing him last.  He loves it!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Be Warned: Religious Opinion Enclosed.

Remember to tell the kids this......Every once in a while, watch a black and white movie.  They had to act back then....actually put on a show.  There was a really great story....similar to a book on the screen...There's nothing like it.  There are so many special effects today that are really fantastic and enjoyable....because of that, you can get away, for the most part, with having mediocre acting.  It wasn't like that back then.  So every once in a while, watch a black and white movie.  

These are the conversations I find myself having with myself.   Reminding myself to "tell the kids this:".

I'm going to do what no normal person would do publicly....I"m going to talk about my religious/spiritual beliefs.   Then again, I'm not normal.  I have a brain tumor.  I am finding that it can give me the right to do things most normal people would never do...I need to be very careful with this new power. I like to remind myself to use my powers(whatever they may be) for good....always for good.  Always try to choose the "right" thing...the morally good choice.  I'm human so as we all know it's extremely difficult.  That's why we have Saints.....because we can't believe that a human being can be THAT good.  I digress.....

For my whole life, I have believed in God.  It's never been a ? of is there or isn't there.  As a child, I felt an extremely strong pull to do the right thing(and NO, the end of this story is not that I am in any way, shape or form a Saint).  Whenever I did something that felt "wrong", I felt an extreme amount of guilt about it.  Even if it was just a small thing like not speaking up when someone said an unkind word to another person.

 As I got older, I was introduced to the church.  I was Christened Presbyterian.  But eventually, I moved and didn't get a ride to that church and stopped going.  From there, I didn't go to Church for many years.  Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't believe in God by any means.  During that period, I just didn't go to church.  

Then I left my abusive ex-husband.   Once I got settled into my new town, I went to church.  A Presbyterian church,  I remembered all the songs that I had sung in the choir and at church camp.  I remembered the warm feeling of safety and community.  I was so happy to be there again.  And then the pastor spoke.

Logically, I was able to listen to the sermon and understand what the pastor was trying to say.  Objectively, he meant no harm whatsoever.  Emotionally, I was absolutely destroyed.  The pastor was speaking about marriage.  And how the Bible says that the husband should provide for and protect the family while the wife should trust in her husband and listen to what he says.  I heard how the Pastor's words would be twisted and manipulated by an abusive man to keep a woman from believing in her own worth.  I couldn't stay.  I wasn't strong enough yet to speak with the Pastor so that he could learn how to be careful with his wording so as not to support an abusive man's behavior.  I never went back.

Years later, I started going to a Catholic church looking for that sense of safety and community.  I went for about 6 months when I learned just how much the people in the church loved to gossip and spread falsehoods about people for no other reason than they enjoyed the drama.  In short, they weren't behaving very Christian-like.

I know that my opinion on this subject is different than many other people's opinions including my own mother's opinion.  But if you notice the word that I used....it's opinion.  That's all it is...no more and no less.  I can not speak to know who God is, which God is the "right" God or even if God truly exists.  I can only speak to how I feel and no one else.

I do believe that we are all part of God....every single living "creature"...including plants and animals.  I believe that when we die, it is our soul returning to God.  I think "hell" is our own individual realization of what we did here in this life. This is as far as I've thought of it but it feels right.  That's as far as I've ever needed to think of it.

In other words, live your life the best that you can. Do your best to treat every living thing with kindness & respect.  Do your best to minimize the amount of harm that you do in life. Treat other's how you would want to be treated because in the end it doesn't matter what they have done to you.....it matters how you reacted to it.  They have their own "judgement day" where they will have to face all the things that they did in this life...it's not my place.

I don't believe that your sexual orientation has anything to do with God or hell or heaven.  No matter who you are in a relationship with, you choose to treat your partner right or treat them poorly....and that's the important part.

God doesn't go around giving out diseases nor does he usually go around taking them away (I can't discount miracles....those are all God..but they are extremely rare).  I don't believe that praying for what we want will get it for us.  I believe that God is too busy helping those who truly need it to waste time doing things we should be doing.  He's not going to give you that new job, you need to go out with a positive attitude and work hard to get it.  He's busy guiding the hand of a doctor of a child in heart surgery to worry about most of our small issues.  It's not that I don't believe that prayer helps.....it's that I think we need to keep our prayers for the big issues.

I am thankful for this life.  I don't want it to end any time soon.  But I also have come to believe that God has a sense of humor much bigger than any of us can even imagine.  I don't think she's cruel.

But the truth is:
I planned to go to college.....
I planned to get a degree to teach or be a nurse....
I planned to wait to get married until I had my career set......
I planned to then get married and have children and a house with a white picket fence....
I planned to raise my children with my husband & their father.....
I planned to always be healthy.....
I planned to be in love forever.........
I planned to grow old as a beloved teacher and retire ......
I planned to live in happiness & good health until I died in my sleep.....

God had plans of her/his own........
And I've gotten used to just going along for the ride knowing that....
Even when everything isn't alright, it will be in the end.

So, I have a brain tumor and no matter what happens tomorrow....I know everything will be alright.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Since I last wrote, a few things have happened.

I've told basically everyone at this point.

It's hard to capture the feeling of panic that had set in while I was looking for doctors.  I spoke with my main doctor who referred me to a practice that works with the hospital that I was told is the best.  I scheduled an appointment.  The receptionist, who was extremely helpful, told me that I would need to get special permission from my insurance company in order to see them as they are out of network.  I contacted my insurance company....I have no out of network benefits.

Ok....so let's find a doctor that works out of that hospital with the awesome reputation that takes my insurance.....Crap!  There are none....not a one out of the best hospital.

I call my neurologist office, Dr. Monck, and speak with an extremely helpful young lady there.  She refers me to a couple of doctors. I explain to her the best way that I possibly can.....My insurance isn't allowing me to go to the best doctor around.  This isn't like removing a mole.....we are talking about BRAIN SURGERY here!  (I was nice...but I definitely was in a panic when I spoke with her.) She quickly let me know that one of her good friends from high school had gone to see one of the doctors that she was referring me too and she is doing great.   She has a lot of patients that have gone to him and are all doing well.  In other words, she calmed the crazy lady down.

From that point, I did some research....what type of reviews are out there with this doctor(because only one of the 2 doctors were in network)?  Basically....the first doctor had received a 5 star rating out of 5 on healthgrades while the second doctor received 4 and a half.   Ok...that's not too bad.  So I call the office.

Keep in mind that I also have a background in medical & dental insurance and front offices.  I'm trying really hard to stay realistic and positive.  The fact is that at this point, I have hope.  Prior to this diagnosis, I had none.  I was doing the best I could to stay positive and deal with it but I didn't really expect that things were going to get better....what I expected is that I will get used to it.   Now, I have some hope.  It is possible that the fibromyalgia is my body's way of screaming at me that I have a brain tumor.  It's also possible that if they remove it, my fibro just may go away.  ....It also may not and I do acknowledge and respect that ....but there is hope.

So when I called to schedule the appointment with the neurosurgeon and the receptionist(I'm sure she is so much more but obviously I don't have her title.....just have to give a shout out because I've been there) tried to dissuade me from scheduling till after I see Dr. Monck.  I explained to her that we were looking for a possible tumor about a year and a half ago when my symptoms first emerged.  We didn't find it then but we did find it now and my symptoms have progressed.  I would rather schedule for a consultation even if it's just to meet with the doctor and get his opinion than wait and have to wait longer later.

The truth is that even if they decide to watch it.....there is always a chance that things will progress and they may have to quickly move to remove it.  I'd rather have a doctor who has seen me, spoken to me, knows who I am and I have chosen than wait for an emergency and end up with any Tom, Dick or Harry.

So she scheduled me for a few weeks from now. I go to see Dr. Monck tomorrow.

That's where I am at this point with regards to my tumor.  My friend who has known me the longest in my life and who truly is the best in the whole wide world asked me this morning if I have named my tumor yet.....I haven't ...but now I feel compelled to get to know it a little better to give it a good name.  Hopefully, my doctors can help me know more about it ;)  

Thursday, September 5, 2013


I told the children 2 days ago.

They had been guessing what the family meeting was about for days but none of them had guessed brain tumor.

Truth of the matter is this:  I can see myself in my children so very much.  I sat them down. Immediately offered them milk shakes, which their response was to promptly asked me what's going on because it was obvious by then that it was bad news.

It amazes me that after I explained ,that it was a brain tumor and all that went along with that, my oldest son's response was to state" so what you're telling me is that there is a chance that the tumor has been causing your problems and if they take it out you would get better".  How many people can say that when faced with adversity their children find the positive within the situation? So at this point it appears as though everybody's ok. My son who is clinically depressed, is thinking positive!

I told my daughter is that I need to make a list. This list is to contain all the things that I want to do when I'm back to my self. Hiking, walking, swimming, traveling, I'd need to find a new career..... To which my daughter promptly said " don't get carried away. We can't get our hopes that just to be disappointed if it doesn't work". My daughter who suffers from anxiety, is being realistic!

A couple things have been different the last two days. My youngest son has called me a couple times. He asked to go to dinner. He asked to come on a trip with his sister. It seems as though my youngest son, who seems to avoid certain issues, wants to spend some extra time.

I am very proud of my children, words really don't express it. I try to stay positive. Through all of the difficult times that myself and my children have gone through, I refused to give up, to let things drag me or my children down. Which brings me to today, my children learned well!

August 30, 2013

The Big IF

I've decided to tell the children.  They are young adults at this point.  Reality is that I want to give them time to wrap their heads around the fact that I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR....whoops sorry...that keeps happening but not as often as last week.  So as I said, I want to give them time to adjust and time to realize that everything is going to be ok. I'm working myself up to doing it though. Then IF....see it's a big if....IF the doctor wants to operate, at least they have had time to adjust to it and don't have it thrown right in their lap that oh...so btw, your mother has a brain tumor and is going in for brain surgery...Whew...That doesn't feel like the right thing to do ....Hence, I have to tell the children.  I've told 2 out of 3 that we need a family meeting.  We are having our Summer BBQ today while also celebrating my one son's birthday.  I don't want to tell them today.  I'm going to have to get them to figure out their schedules so that I can get all 3 of them in the same location again very soon.

On a similar note, I picked up my CT scan to bring to the neurologist.  While at the hospital, I asked where is known for their neurosurgery in the area.  This led me to the "Brain Tumor Center of NJ"(http://www.atlantichealth.org/neuroscience/our+services/services+by+condition/brain+tumors/) .  Sounds serious.  I"m going to call them on Monday and get an appointment with a neurosurgeon.  Figure why wait another 3 weeks after seeing the neurologist for an appointment when I know she's going to want me to go for an eval by a neurosurgeon.  Besides, even if they just watch it for now, God forbid something happens later, at least I will already have a doc to call.

Well, off to finish getting ready for our BBQ & shower.....hopefully, I can bend down far enough to shave my legs today...

Long Story Short

How do you tell the people you love that you have a brain tumor without setting them into panic mode?   I've spent the last week walking around thinking....I have a brain tumor...I have a brain tumor....I have a brain tumor.

I try to take everything in my life in little steps.  If you stare at the big picture too long, you get overwhelmed but if you break it down into pieces that you can manage....well, it tends to lessen the overwhelming desire to stand in the middle of Walmart screaming "I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR"  

I have told a select few...My honey, my mother, my father & step-mom, one friend, two acquaintances and one stranger.  That's it so far.

Here's the long story short:  Research shows that when symptomatic it is recommended to remove the tumor.  The problem is that some of the symptoms are also symptoms related to fibromyalgia fibro fog..  So right now, I don't know if it's from the tumor or the fibro.  Next step, see a neurologist.  I'm scheduled in September and on the waiting list.

I spoke with a friend last night.  She called because she was having some issues that she wanted to talk through.  This is the friend that honestly, I've been resenting because she hasn't "been there" for me since I've been sick.  In the course of the discussion, she revealed something that made me very ashamed of my resentment. It's well known by those that know her that she suffers from anxiety.  She was telling me how the last few days (about 5) she has been overcome with anxiety.  In the course of the discussion, I was trying to help her to understand that we have to fight back by breaking things down into small things and that we also need to embrace the positive and happy things we have in our lives, that way it's easier to handle when something bad comes up.  Here is where she told me that there are certain people in her life that she couldn't handle if something happened to them.  She included me as one of those.  She was very clear that if something bad were to happen she literally would not be able to be there to help support any of these people because she would be a mess.  I never thought about how my fibro was affecting her.

I can't not tell my family. God forbid something happens suddenly(which is often the case with these types of things) and I haven't spoken to them first.  But how....How do I keep their anxiety at bay when I am havinng a tough time holding my own a little at this point. I'm staying positive  but I just keep thinking....

I ......have.......a.........brain..........tumor!  

Like I said when we found Roxie, my dog's, tumor.....keep saying the word...it takes the power away from it.  

I think we need a family meeting.  But holy shit.....how do I reassure them and make it not a big deal for them?

Let's not forget my honey....my mountain that believes that if we don't talk about things they will go away.  He knows......he hasn't really had much to say..  He's listened to me....but what could possibly be going through his mind.

One step at a time....call friends who can handle it....schedule family meeting....then tell friends who can't handle it....

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Day After......

An appointment is scheduled by permanent disability in relation to my fibromyalgia for the day after

I can not cancel it

I wake and shower

I put my soft collar on

It hurts

I take my soft collar off

Update my "Instant Me" on patientslikeme.com

I add colloid cyst to my list of diseases on my profile

Hmmmm....6 other people list this

Fibro=37,013 people

Tuck that info away till after your appointment

Honey please drive me

Fill this out

Are you depressed?

Have you ever been depressed?

Say these words

Spell this word backwards

Count forward

Skip these numbers

Say those words

Are you depressed?

Pick up cat food

Let's go home after this

Getting Sore

Forget daughter has to work

Rush back
Neck hurting
lie on couch
call doc to inform
inform insurance
eat something
rest neck
doc's office says please call back with claim number asap to schedule
"Colloid cysts are non cancerous (benign) congenital brain tumors. These cysts can be problematic because of their location and size. The tumors usually become symptomatic in adult patients ages 20-50 years."  www.patientslikeme.com

Wait...What?  Does that say brain tumor?  But didn't that er doc specifically tell me that it's NOT a tumor? 

'A colloid cyst is a cyst containing gelatinous material in the brain. It is almost always found just posterior to the foramen of Monro in the anterior aspect of the third ventricle, originating from the roof of the ventricle. Because of its location, it can cause obstructive hydrocephalus and increased intracranial pressure. These cysts account for approximately 1% of all intracranial tumors"  Wikipedia  

There's that word again 

Brain tumor
1 in a million
Usually found accidentally....or post-mortem
Don't panic
Don't tell anyone till you speak with your doc
don't panic
time to sleep 
Sleep....please sleep.....
Fine...read a book

Thursday, August 15, 2013 

The Discovery

Xrays of the neck, the upper spine, the middle spine, the lower spine,
MRI's of the neck, the upper spine, the middle spine, the lower spine, the brain,
physical therapy including chiropractor, TENS unit & massage therapy,
nerve conduction test(yeah this benign test hurts like hell),
spinal specialists, neurologists, rheumatologist. ENT, pain management,
fighting through the pain at work,
being told straight out that it's all in my head,
pulling over to the side of the road crying because it just hurts too much to go one inch further.
fighting through the pain to keep working,
hands spasm,
peripheral neuropathy,
widespread pain throughout mostly my right side,
difficulty with balance,
difficulty standing,
legs hurting,
lower back hurting,
can't communicate properly(can think of what to say but the words won't come out properly),
giving wrong directions (saying left but meaning right and not even realizing it)
can't function well enough to work any longer,
home resting,
can think a little clearer but still have issues communicating at least once a day,
blessed that I have my honey to help me day to day
wish that he would not be so afraid to commit
Missing my old life of friends, karaoke, beverages,
load of dishes, a little laundry, time to nap, exhausted,
taking one step at a time,
adjusting to no longer having a choice as to whether I can work or not,
ex-husband still not paying what court ordered,
son tested for diabetes
dog has tumor on right shoulder
biopsy done on dog
doc's office tells son that he "most likely" has diabetes,
More blood work done
biopsy inconclusive, repeat biopsy,
son doesn't have diabetes! Yipeeeee!
Dog's tumor is nothing but a fatty tumor! Yipeeeeee!
honey's car needs work,
dog gets groomed (thank God she doesn't stink any more)
Drop off dog at home
heading to pick honey up,
sitting at a light waiting for the car 2 cars in front of me to make a left and............................

WHAM! The blonde bytch hits me from behind

Neck hurting more than usual
Ambulance takes me to hospital
Headache....bad...Like tears rolling down face involuntarily bad
too much ice tea....damn I have to pee
No dignity for the broken.....bedpan
Honey arrives right at that moment of course
Doc comes in and says...neck xray needed
waiting for xray.,,,,,,,
Wish I had known that that girl was going to hit me....I wouldn't have had that much ice tea
Bedpan time again
Nice young man takes me for x-ray
back to er cubby  #6 to wait for results
doc arrives and removes the neck brace since x-ray all clear
head still hurting pain level 8
Order CT scan
We wait.
Honey finds "Godfather 2"
time for my meds
watches the whole show
we wait
very nice man takes me for a ct scan
he made me feel as comfortable as you possibly can in a hospital
back to er room #6
pain level is down to about level 6
oh let's get Chinese
honey is getting cranky cuz hungry
go get some chips
wow, it's getting late...I'm sure the results will be ok since the headache has subsided some
go to the bathroom....wow there are people out in the halls....
doc comes in...immediately apologizes and then goes on .......................................

and tells me that the CT scan found something unrelated to the accident.......it's a colloid cyst and it is found in the area of the brain that produces cerebral spinal fluid.  It's usually benign .  I quickly tell the doctor that my brother had a brain tumor that was benign and he had to have surgery.  The doctor quickly tells me that this is a cyst not a tumor.  It's just good to follow up with your primary doctor because he will probably just want to watch it.  No worries.  So that being said, I'm going to get you a brace that I want you to wear unless it causes more pain.  The idea is to let the chin rest on the brace to rest the neck.  But if it hurts, don't wear it.  I'm going to get the brace, I'll be right back...you can get dressed.

And he's gone.........

Wednesday, August 14th, 2013 to be posted asap once more info known & as soon as I can let as many people as realistically I can reach.

PS   If I did not reach out to you, please understand that I can't get to everyone I would like to...It's just too much....but it doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had reached you.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A Brand New World

Hello dear reader,

It's been a roller coaster week with my pain.  Tonight is not the worst but it's close to it.  The weather in contributing in a very large way to the pain.  So I hope you will allow me to distract myself here.

I am heading into subject territory that is very dangerous.  I am taking my life into my hands by discussing these things here.  That being said, I will do my best to keep things as general as possible to protect the identity of my daughter.  Oh chit, the cat's out of the bag.  Well, she doesn't really pay attention to what I do anyway and thus will probably never stumble across my blog, let alone seek it out. Maybe I will be safe..LOL

Ok  Let's be serious:  She has a boyfriend.  The unique thing about this is that she met her bf through a video game.  Granted, nowadays, that's not so unique.  But....we didn't have the internet when we were growing up and atari sure as heck didn't link to other people in other houses so you could play together.  If you wanted to play together, you had to know one another, go over to one person's house and....wait for it.....Take Turns!    So now I sound old...Granted, I'm older.  All that being said, I am actually supporting my daughter.  I have made friends online.  I have lost online friends (as in they have died).  I have gone to an online friend's funeral and met online friends IRL(see I"m a little cool).  So I can't judge my daughter on the fact that she is doing what comes natural to her generation.

I am still her mother though and my responsibility is to keep her safe.  So we are going to meet this young man IRL and I have made it clear that the rules are very simple.  Stay close enough to me that if you need to scream, I can hear you.   I don't need to be "up their butts" but I have a responsibility to be sure that the nice young man that she has gotten to know, doesn't suddenly turn into that serial killer we have all read about.  

In today's world, boy meets girl through video game. Boy & girl talk all the time, not through the phone, but through "facetime"(in case you aren't as hip as I...that's a video chat).  Boy hangs out with girl all the time this way...except of course when they are playing a video game together and then they chat through the headset while watching each other's back as they kill off other gamers.  At some point though, there has to be a meeting IRL.  They just can't stay that way forever.   With every change in the world, there is good and there is bad.

I think the internet and all it's glory has opened the door for many shy young people to make friends and warm up to them long before they ever have to actually have a face to face conversation....and then even longer before having an IRL "date".  Obviously, it has also opened the door for people to misrepresent themselves.  Sometimes, simply that they aren't the 6'4" football player.  Other times that they are really dangerous & evil.

The fact is that those dangerous & evil people were around long before the internet and meeting people exclusively IRL doesn't keep you safe either.  My ex never needed the internet to be dangerous & evil.

 So I will do everything in my power to keep my daughter safe (even if she is embarrassed that she has to stay in the same restaurant as I) while giving her as many choices in her own life as possible.  I have to trust my daughter's judgement while protecting her.You usually know that you are handling a situation with a teenager the right way when no one is happy.  She would love to go off on her own & I would love to sit at the same table as her.  I think the "within screaming distance" rule is a good compromise.  I have to accept that it is a brand new world and do my best to adjust to it.  I also have to accept that my little girl is growing up.   I think I'm doing pretty well for an old chick ;)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Thyme to Bytch

My dear reader,

It has been quite a bit of time since I have written last.  Life changing circumstances have occurred since I really had a chance to write you.

The biggest change is that my fibromyalgia has gotten so bad that I am no longer able to work.  There was no longer a decision to be made.  I literally worked until I couldn't any longer.  The fact is that before I left work my fibro fog had gotten so bad that, on a pretty regular basis, I was unable to form complete sentences, let along a full paragraph. One of the worst was having a conversation with a co-worker.  I knew it wasn't working but I spoke a paragraph.  My co-worker looked at me and said "I have no idea what you just said".  All I could say to that was, "I know".   I had given my boss basically a month's notice.  I let him know that I was not going to be able to work much longer and we needed to find someone to replace me.  I placed the ads, helped with the interview process, assisted in hiring her and then trained her as much as I could.  When it came time for me to go, things got ugly.  I let my boss know when my last day would be.  On that last day, he tried to push me to work longer.  I informed him that there was no way I could make it but I could help from home.  He told me he felt I was trying to take advantage of him.  Considering that for the almost 6 years I had worked for him, I had given it my all and then some including my health, I was done at that moment.    I have made a commitment to create a training manual for the front desk and I will honor that commitment.  I have it started but until the last couple of days, honestly, I haven't had a moment to breathe.

My struggles these last few weeks are finding comfort.  My pain level has been from bad to worse lately.   My doctor informed me yesterday that there really isn't anything additional that he can do for me.  He wants me to start taking a 15 minute walk every day now that the weather is improving.  I'm going to do my best.  The words to describe how I am feeling lately are very hard to come by.  Unless you have lived through some debilitating disease, you just can't understand.  I find myself amazed that doing dishes can put me into such horrendous pain that I can't move off the couch for hours and then I may just have to go to bed for the day, LITERALLY.

  I have a "friend" who I know is going around to other people we both know and complaining about me.  She's saying things like, "well, I saw her jumping into the lake a few years ago, it's not really possible for her to be disabled now".  I mean her arguments are ludicrous. Funny thing is, when I tried to talk to her about what's going on with me,( because you see, I thought I could use a friend to listen and maybe even be there for me), she said the same thing to me.  To top it off, her other statement was, well I know this other person who has fibro and she goes out all the time, she cleans houses and if she's having a bad day she just stays home but she's no where near as bad as you are saying so you must be wrong or your doc must have misdiagnosed you. SERIOUSLY!  The audacity of it all is just amazing. Oh and let's not forget the old, well you went through alot with your ex so I think it's psychological and you should get counseling.  Fact is that I expect strangers to say things like that.  When a "close friend" says things like this, you quickly realize how small your support system can get.  It's ironic because the few times that I have gotten out in the past year have 99% been for events for her(she lives 2 towns over). Birthday parties, bbq's that sort of thing.  And during those things, it's a rare thing to hear "Are you ok?" crossing her lips.  Others say it, shoot practical strangers say it. Well,  enough of that, I guess the point of all of this is that when they say  "when bad things happen you discover who your true friends are"  They really aren't lying.

Meanwhile, I have a dear, close true friend who came out from a different state to visit me.  We spent 10 hours (or was it 12) talking.  She made me feel so good about myself.  She made me feel loved.  It wasn't the homemade beautiful gift she made me(see below because it is truly gorgeous).  It was the time she spent.  During dinner my daughter started playing this game called "Table Topics".  The question during dessert was "What traits do you look for in a friend?"   I noticed that neither myself nor my friend answered.  Personally, I couldn't answer because the answer for us is that we didn't look.  We just found each other and I think we fit perfectly.  It's like asking what do you look for in your perfect man, you don't know until you find him.  My friend is honest, loyal, loving, kind, funny, intelligent, gorgeous on the inside and the outside(the outside part doesn't matter but I wouldn't want her to think for one moment that I don't believe it with all my soul when I say it....so in case you are reading this.....your gorgeous).  I don't believe that she would lie to me but I do believe that if she truly thought that my disease was "all in my head" then she would convince me to see a doctor in a kind respectful way. 

Just one more quick note about the necklace but also about the consideration of this dear friend.  My first thought upon seeing it was that it is beautiful.  My second was oh boy, how am I ever going to get that clasp done? (one of the new issues that I must adjust to is opening small things like clasps)  The next thing my dear friend did is tell me to look as she pulled the clasp open like magic!  "It's a magnet" she tells me.  Oh did I mention that she reads minds also.  Well apparently she does.  I strongly recommend to all my friends who have a disease that affects the fine motor skills:  Find jewelery with magnetic closures :)   And/or feel free to check out my friend's company's facebook page.  She makes custom jewelry here:   https://www.facebook.com/4daughterscreations

So there have been downs but there have definitely been ups also.  I am trying to find the balance here on the see-saw of life. Finding my blessings in the midst of my challenges.  I may be home now but I am going to make the most of it.  I will take my time, do the dishes, spend some time with my daughter when she will have me, get a little extra blogging in, write those reviews for those companies I liked but also for the one's I can't stand.  Take it day by day.

Tomorrow, I will tackle the paperwork that I have to do within 10 days....just one more rung in the ladder of life.

Have a great day today!,


Monday, May 13, 2013


I do my best to fight frustration with humor but sometimes I can't find the humor.  Right this moment, I'm not laughing!   I didn't do much, as usual lately but I did have a couple things on my must do list. 

1. Deliver an Avon order (accomplished) 

2. Put together several baskets for a tricky tray for my daughter. 

Well I got this great idea to add 2 additional "baskets".  Basically, 2 gift certificates to raffle off.   Only thing is I need to find a template an personalize it for the certificates.   I downloaded some clip art and narrowed down the templates to 2.   

And that's where I am now....typing this on my phone since I can't move at all from the couch in a prone position.   The certificates aren't going to be done today.   The worst part isn't my own frustration but my daughter's.  She can be very patient but she is a teenage girl....and does get frustrated. So I guess since there is nothing I can do but lie here.....I will just go to sleep...because regardless of the frustration, when you CAN'T move......you can't move.     


I am hereby making a commitment publicly to work on completing previous blog posts & creating an updated new one that has been running around my head the last 3 weeks.  Additionally, I will update my page to let my readers know a little bit more about me...I promise I really am a pretty interesting person who has loads of stories to tell...I just may have to change some names to protect the guilty ;)     So all that being said, I am putting it into  my schedule right this second to schedule all this work to be done on or before Thursday.  I would do it now but honestly.....I physically can't right now.  Mother's day hurt me.    Soo c u all on Thursday where I will do my best to edit my wonderfulness in order to fit it here :)   Have a good Tuesday & Wednesday :)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Adventures in Bathroom Remodeling

Greg had decided to renovate the bathroom.  Well, you don't know Greg the way I do.  I knew that this was going to mean loads of stressful days.  You see, he is diagnosed with OCD by my daughter and myself.  When one item is out of place, his anxiety increases.  Oh you want an example...Ok...We have a candle holder on our coffee table. It MUST be centered.  When it's not, you need to get out of the way and just let him put it back because he absolutely can not walk away from it.  Oh and there he goes moving the coffee table....I didn't mean to move it I swear.

OH...I got off topic a little but there is a point to it.  If you can't have a candle holder out of place, how well do you think he handled having an entire room literally torn apart while another room(granted an empty one) is used to store all the equipment needed to complete this job.

So here we are, the decision is made and the date is set to start the work.  It's time to pick out tile.

I tend to lean more towards a bit of drama in each room.  Always in a classy way but something that makes people say "Wow" .  Greg leans towards the practical.  He likes to keep in mind what he feels will reflect well when/if the property is sold.

His selections were all very simple.  They honestly reminded me of a hotel choice.  Sort of generic and bland.

I found tile that I loved.  I explained to him how we should go for a "Wow" wall.  One wall when you enter into the bathroom and you see through the glass doors, it just makes  you go wow.  

My thinking is this:
               1. We will be living with this bathroom for many many years, possibly until we pass from this earth, so let's make it in a way that we will enjoy it daily.
               2. If he's going to spend the kind of money it takes to update this bathroom, we really should love it.

So I find the tiles shown below and I get to convincing Greg how wonderful it's going to look when done.   Initially, he wasn't sold by any sense of the word but when I put it all together and Greg asked the salesman what he thought..... Well let's just say that the salesman was impressed with my skills and Greg jumped on board.    We did have to do a little juggling of the initial plan to keep it in budget.  Rather than having tiling going across the wall with the sink and the commode, we kept it just in the shower.  

The Wow wall tile was $25 Sq Ft.  but then we found the side tile & floor & ceiling tile was only $2.99 Sq Ft.   By making these changes & finding those side tiles, etc, we were able to keep the shower in budget.

This first picture is showing the shower floor tiles....the small ones .  The Bathroom floor....the lighter hardwood looking tile...yes that's tile not wood folks.  And it is lying against the larger tiles that will be the 2 side walls and the ceiling. 

The larger tiles here will be the side wall tiles while the smaller colorful tile will be the WOW wall!   The one back wall that you will see as you walk into the room and say WOW! when you see it :) 

This picture is to show the larger side tiles, the WOW wall colors and the bathroom tile floor that looks like wood :) 

This last picture is the best picture of the WOW wall and how it will be installed.  We are looking for the wall to make the room look wider by putting it horizontal and of course to wow people as well as ourselves with the beautiful warmth emanating from our bathroom wall :) 

Greg handled the vanity, sink, quartz counter top & glass shower door exclusively.  He chose beautiful items to accent my "WOW" wall. ;)  

By setting things up the way we did, including the horizontal lines and the colors, it makes a small bathroom look larger :) 

So I know your dying to see the final product.   Scroll on down to check it out! 

This is the gutted bathroom! 

This is what you see when you turn the corner and head towards the bathroom. 

This Shows more of the cabinet & the flooring. 

I have to give a shout out to the company that we got the tile from.  They were wonderful at helping us find just the right tiles to make the job work for us.  So absolutely knowledgeable!  I can strongly recommend them to anyone looking for any sort of flooring and/or tile work.  They don't just have tile but also have a very large selection of wood flooring.    http://www.waynetile.com/

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Wandering Around The World Of Podcasts :)

My life has been opened to the world of Podcasts thanks to Katie!   She started me on one and now I have become addicted to finding new enjoyable ones!  I love the literature/performing arts podcasts.  I listen to them on my way to work. I've found some really interesting ones. 

Stuff You Should Know: howstuffworks.com:
  Loads of information about lots of different subjects shared by a  couple of entertaining guys 

The Truth:  
Described as Short Films without Pictures    Extremely entertaining.  I've felt like I was watching a movie     in my mind while commuting to work. 

Selected Shorts: 
Story Time for adults from Public Radio International.  Short stories performed live with stars of stage &  screen.  Some of these short stories are from recent times while others are classics(like The Monkey  Paw)  I think John Kelly may like this one in particular.  They have a yearly contest to have your original   fictional short story chosen, read & recorded. :) 

Snap Judgement: 
I origiinally thought this one was another fictional short story podcast.  While listening, I discovered that     these are actually non-fiction stories shared by people and recorded.  Extremely interesting to hear about     people's lives and some of their interesting occurences.  :) 

I will update this list as I explore further into the world of podcasts!   Please share any and all that have caught your eye too!  I'd love to hear about them. 

Monday, January 14, 2013

Invisible Illness

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is:   Fibromyalgia, pinched nerves in C6 &C7, peripheral neuropathy
 2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2011 & 2012
3. But I had symptoms since: 1998
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: . Accepting my limitations and letting go of those things I can not do any longer
5. Most people assume: that just because I try not to show it, everything is fine with me.
6. The hardest part about mornings are:  knowing that once I can get up,  I will fight all day with the pain until I return to my bed when I get home.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Greys Anatomy
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My Iphone
9. The hardest part about nights are: Trying to get comfortable to fall asleep and knowing no matter how long I do sleep...it won't be enough
10. Each day I take  one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am open to trying some but scared as some treatments(alternative or otherwise) make the pain worse.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible because I choose who knows.  At least this way, some of the time I can keep my privacy.
13. Regarding working and career:   Currently, I find it so very hard.  I honestly am not sure how much longer I can struggle through my days.  I am trying to get the accommodations necessary to continue working.  The last thing I want is to have to give up this part of my life.  Financially, it would cripple my family.  Emotionally, I would truly have to adjust as I have worked since I was 12 with a short period of that work being at home with my children.  I truly don't know how I would adjust but with my pain being at the level it has been and how much of a struggle it has been lately, I just may have to.  On a positive note, I've become an Independent Sales Representative with Avon in the hopes of having a business that works with my limitations.  Feel free to peruse my web site at www.youravon.com/prettyinpink   ;)
14. People would be surprised to know: the extent my life has changed from 2 years ago.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  just how extensive my limitations have become.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:   start to open up about it and find so many other people in my life that have it also.  Almost like a secret society that no one actually wants to be a part of but we are thrilled to find others that truly deeply understand exactly what you are going through.
17. The commercials about my illness: Can often be misleading causing some to think they know exactly what it is that I have.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: spending time with my friends at karaoke
19. It was really hard to have to give up: the freedom of choosing what to do with a day in advance.  At this point, my answer is always " I would love to but we will see how I'm feeling that day and if I can, I will be there"
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: sewing(when I can) and learning all I can about my illness & using the online support group I have found. www.fibromyalgiaconnect.com/
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Its so hard to say with only one day...I would do whatever my children wanted ....I would get my entire house clean & all the laundry done...I would go out to karaoke with some friends(and try to get some new friends to come too)...I would dance...I would sing...I would have a few drinks....and yes, I would make wild, crazy, loud love to my man!
22. My illness has taught me: Enjoy what you have...today...don't dwell on what's lost...accept your limitations
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Oh I've heard of that, you just need a good psychologist because it's caused by depression so it must be in your head. (And yes...I've had several people actually say this to me)
24. But I love it when people: recognize that I need help and just help without me asking. Bring home dinner to surprise me, do laundry & fold it without me asking, make sure the kitchen is clean so I can make dinner.  My daughter has been known to tell me, Mom, You can't do that, go sit down and let me help you.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: It's just a reminder to myself.  I've survived worse...I can get through this too.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: 1. Do as much research as you can to learn about your disease.2. Find a support group either online or in person, You will need people that know exactly how you feel because unless they are living it, no one is going to fully understand it. 3. Listen to your body  If you don't, it will force you to.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how you find out who your friends are.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: they told me to go rest and took care of making dinner & cleaning up the kitchen.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: If all of us do our part, write a blog post, re tweet this post, share on facebook, pass on info.. whatever. Each step is a step closer to awareness, understanding and acceptance. It is the easiest thing we can do, but collectively will make a difference.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: thankful that you are trying to understand.  Thank you!

Friday, January 11, 2013

You Lose

It's no matter.....
you still lose....
look at yourself,
your a lonely, miserable miser who's only joy is in NOT supporting your children....

How's it feel to know that another man willingly does more for your children in a day while you take pleasure in paying a lawyer to prevent you from doing the morally correct thing?

How's it feel to know that my daughter....yep that's right MY DAUGHTER, never wants anything to do with you ever again for as long as she lives? ......Why?   Because you showed your true colors & she wasn't wearing the proper rose colored shades to ignore it.  

How's it feel to know that she is and will achieve her goals?  She is going to France....She is going to college while in high school...she is going to college after high school....She is a member of the honor society!.....She is going to make one awesome teacher!  She will be whatever she wants to be....AND she will never have any reason in the world to thank you.....because you have done everything in your power to escape the responsibility of helping her to achieve her goals.......

You've done everything you can to keep MY BOYS down....and I am doing EVERYTHING that I can to raise them up and make them see their potential!  And guess what....IT'S WORKING....slowly...ever so slowly...but I see progress.....And they will find their way and achieve EVERY SINGLE GOAL they set also....once again...without any help from you......

So NO you don't win.....once again....You LOSE....You will not keep me or MY CHILDREN down....We will be happy despite your best laid plans....and you can sit in the dark, all alone with your anger and your money....enjoy it because it's all you have left.

Monday, January 7, 2013


As those of you that know me are aware, I have been recovering from surgery on 12/26 to remove my tonsils, part of my uvula and part of my soft palate.
There were 2 reasons for the surgery.
1. I have spent the majority of my life with tonsillitis .
2. I have sleep apnea.
Now #2 is most important in relation to my fibromyalgia . One of the symptoms of fibromyalgia is fatigue that is often compounded by lack of healthy sleep. My thinking is that sleep apnea is not helping the situation. Since there was a solution available, it was in my best interest to try.

All that being said, I have had a lot of time to look inward as well as be a quiet observer outwardly.

Looking inward has brought forth some important questions and possibly some answers. I came to wonder: what is a good friend? And naturally the next question that came to mind is: Am I a good friend?

A good friend is someone who is there for you without you necessarily having to ask them to be. Good friends are few and far between but I do have some. Distance becomes somewhat of an impudence but that doesn't change the fact that there are people in my life that I know I can pick up a phone and they will answer.

Now the second question had me very worried because I don't think I can just unilaterally declare myself a good friend. I know that there are some that no matter what time day or night, I will answer their call and help to manage their latest crisis . But I also know that I have made some promises to help a friend proofread something but due to dealing with health, kids & work, I didn't do it. Just doesn't feel very friend like to me. I also wonder if a crisis should arise for certain friends,who have always been there for me, would I be the person they call? I don't know. Does that make me a bad friend?

Or is there a balance? Are we constantly paying it forward? I listen to Jane meanwhile Jill listens to me. With all my introspection, I didn't come to a firm answer......am I a good friend?

Only a true friend could answer that for me.....and if I'm not, please tell me, how can I be better?