Thursday, May 16, 2013

Thyme to Bytch

My dear reader,

It has been quite a bit of time since I have written last.  Life changing circumstances have occurred since I really had a chance to write you.

The biggest change is that my fibromyalgia has gotten so bad that I am no longer able to work.  There was no longer a decision to be made.  I literally worked until I couldn't any longer.  The fact is that before I left work my fibro fog had gotten so bad that, on a pretty regular basis, I was unable to form complete sentences, let along a full paragraph. One of the worst was having a conversation with a co-worker.  I knew it wasn't working but I spoke a paragraph.  My co-worker looked at me and said "I have no idea what you just said".  All I could say to that was, "I know".   I had given my boss basically a month's notice.  I let him know that I was not going to be able to work much longer and we needed to find someone to replace me.  I placed the ads, helped with the interview process, assisted in hiring her and then trained her as much as I could.  When it came time for me to go, things got ugly.  I let my boss know when my last day would be.  On that last day, he tried to push me to work longer.  I informed him that there was no way I could make it but I could help from home.  He told me he felt I was trying to take advantage of him.  Considering that for the almost 6 years I had worked for him, I had given it my all and then some including my health, I was done at that moment.    I have made a commitment to create a training manual for the front desk and I will honor that commitment.  I have it started but until the last couple of days, honestly, I haven't had a moment to breathe.

My struggles these last few weeks are finding comfort.  My pain level has been from bad to worse lately.   My doctor informed me yesterday that there really isn't anything additional that he can do for me.  He wants me to start taking a 15 minute walk every day now that the weather is improving.  I'm going to do my best.  The words to describe how I am feeling lately are very hard to come by.  Unless you have lived through some debilitating disease, you just can't understand.  I find myself amazed that doing dishes can put me into such horrendous pain that I can't move off the couch for hours and then I may just have to go to bed for the day, LITERALLY.

  I have a "friend" who I know is going around to other people we both know and complaining about me.  She's saying things like, "well, I saw her jumping into the lake a few years ago, it's not really possible for her to be disabled now".  I mean her arguments are ludicrous. Funny thing is, when I tried to talk to her about what's going on with me,( because you see, I thought I could use a friend to listen and maybe even be there for me), she said the same thing to me.  To top it off, her other statement was, well I know this other person who has fibro and she goes out all the time, she cleans houses and if she's having a bad day she just stays home but she's no where near as bad as you are saying so you must be wrong or your doc must have misdiagnosed you. SERIOUSLY!  The audacity of it all is just amazing. Oh and let's not forget the old, well you went through alot with your ex so I think it's psychological and you should get counseling.  Fact is that I expect strangers to say things like that.  When a "close friend" says things like this, you quickly realize how small your support system can get.  It's ironic because the few times that I have gotten out in the past year have 99% been for events for her(she lives 2 towns over). Birthday parties, bbq's that sort of thing.  And during those things, it's a rare thing to hear "Are you ok?" crossing her lips.  Others say it, shoot practical strangers say it. Well,  enough of that, I guess the point of all of this is that when they say  "when bad things happen you discover who your true friends are"  They really aren't lying.

Meanwhile, I have a dear, close true friend who came out from a different state to visit me.  We spent 10 hours (or was it 12) talking.  She made me feel so good about myself.  She made me feel loved.  It wasn't the homemade beautiful gift she made me(see below because it is truly gorgeous).  It was the time she spent.  During dinner my daughter started playing this game called "Table Topics".  The question during dessert was "What traits do you look for in a friend?"   I noticed that neither myself nor my friend answered.  Personally, I couldn't answer because the answer for us is that we didn't look.  We just found each other and I think we fit perfectly.  It's like asking what do you look for in your perfect man, you don't know until you find him.  My friend is honest, loyal, loving, kind, funny, intelligent, gorgeous on the inside and the outside(the outside part doesn't matter but I wouldn't want her to think for one moment that I don't believe it with all my soul when I say it....so in case you are reading this.....your gorgeous).  I don't believe that she would lie to me but I do believe that if she truly thought that my disease was "all in my head" then she would convince me to see a doctor in a kind respectful way. 


Just one more quick note about the necklace but also about the consideration of this dear friend.  My first thought upon seeing it was that it is beautiful.  My second was oh boy, how am I ever going to get that clasp done? (one of the new issues that I must adjust to is opening small things like clasps)  The next thing my dear friend did is tell me to look as she pulled the clasp open like magic!  "It's a magnet" she tells me.  Oh did I mention that she reads minds also.  Well apparently she does.  I strongly recommend to all my friends who have a disease that affects the fine motor skills:  Find jewelery with magnetic closures :)   And/or feel free to check out my friend's company's facebook page.  She makes custom jewelry here:   https://www.facebook.com/4daughterscreations

So there have been downs but there have definitely been ups also.  I am trying to find the balance here on the see-saw of life. Finding my blessings in the midst of my challenges.  I may be home now but I am going to make the most of it.  I will take my time, do the dishes, spend some time with my daughter when she will have me, get a little extra blogging in, write those reviews for those companies I liked but also for the one's I can't stand.  Take it day by day.

Tomorrow, I will tackle the paperwork that I have to do within 10 days....just one more rung in the ladder of life.

Have a great day today!,

Cat