"Here It Comes Again"

Sometimes it just keeps coming and coming......

My 365

As most of you know, I started my 365 to help me find myself and my self worth again.  This isn't the first time that I have had to find myself.  I think everyone has to rediscover their selves and their self worth throughout their lives.  Maybe not always to the extremes that I have found in my life but I have never been known to do things in a small way (unless it was purposeful and then it really was large disguised as small..lol).  

We all struggle to find ourselves for the first time as a teen.   Unfortunately for me, I stumbled across my ex-husband during that time and pretty quickly, he got in my head and made me feel worthless....the better to beat you with my dear.  Seriously, he needed me doubting myself because he never was nor did he ever feel worthy of my love.  His was a self fulfilling prophecy.  "No one ever stays with me"  Well, yeah, give them enough time, even your favorite punching bag realizes that she deserves better.  Hence my first rediscovery.  

Years passed along with much counseling.  Truthfully, I built my self worth around my ability to fight back from being this mousy little girl who let some disgusting human being(for lack of a better word) convince her that she was less than she was to being a self sufficient mother of 3 who for the most part raised them alone.  I not only ran my household but I ran a successful dental office.   

Well, my disease took that away.  

I'm learning to accept help.  I'm learning to trust, even when it goes against every fiber of my self preservation.   I'm learning that my self preservation is overinflated much as my nervous system is.  She's scared that Greg will leave.  She's scared to depend upon him.  She's scared to trust him.  Well, he's been teaching her that she has nothing to fear from him and I've been having some very serious sit downs with her, trying to shut her up.  Truth of the matter is that it's been almost 7 years.  Have I been hurt at all in those years, well duh yeah, we have to leave room for the fact that I am dealing with a human male. But has he ever intentionally hurt me or hurt me in any way that is unforgivable.....absolutely not!  So it's time to let go of the lessons that men of my past have taught me and time to let the love in. 

It's also time to learn that just because my self-worth is being redefined, it does not mean that I am worth less.  I'm just worth different :)   

So all this self discovery was sparked by a comment someone made randomly on Facebook stating that they can't wait for spring so they don't have to look at the same yards covered in snow.  And then he liked my photo....LOL  Irony at it's best.    

Please enjoy todays offering (which has been delayed in posting due to Greg's light sleeping habits and my compulsion to never post anything incomplete as I know myself and it will most likely never be updated...lol)  

"Patriotic Snow"

I spent most of my day in bed in horrible pain.  The weather combined with a barometric pressure swing that entails going from almost 50 degrees down to currently in the single digits did not do well for my body.   

Putting all that aside , I love taking photographs in the snow.  The short bit out if bed , I spent a total of about an hour today taking photos in the dark early this morning, as the sun rose and then when it was up this afternoon.  Of all the shots I took today, I share my favorite : "Patriotic Snow".  Enjoy! 

"Black & White"

"Upward 1"

I plan on taking this photograph several different ways in the future.  Enjoy! 

"Cat's Eye View"

When I found all 3 of my fur babies in the same vicinity, I had to try to get them into today's photograph.  I had hoped to take one closer to Lulu but I couldn't get the lighting correct.   Luckily, I was able to get the point across from a slightly different angle.   

"Pride"

Today my daughter was inducted into the National Honor Society for the second time.   She was originally inducted as a junior and continued with her membership this year.   Tonight she spoke eloquently and with maturity when speaking of her mentor, a literary teacher who has inspired her to become an English teacher.    I couldn't be prouder of my young lady and I look forward to seeing her life unfold for her.   

"Sweet Dreams"

Today has been quite busy.   I entered a local art contest to find this years telephone book cover.  I was able to submit two enteries. 

  1. "Curves" & 2. "In the Eye"   So everyone cross fingers & say prayers and we will know by the end I next week....I'll let u know if I hear back :).  

All that being said, I hope u enjoy "Sweet Dreams" 

"Enlightenment"

I thought this was pretty.   

"Catnap"

Lulu has taken the pillows I made for our bed and turned them into her own thrones.  I think today's caption explains it all...."Catnap" 

"New Dawn"

This morning I was up early as my sweetie got ready to go to see an outdoor Rangers game at Yankee Stadium.  I've been filled with bittersweet mixed emotions.   Greg started taking me to hockey games when we started dating. 

  I had only been to one game in my life and that was a high school trip to see the Islanders.  I screamed for blood and truth be told, I scared myself with my reaction and never went to nor watched another game.

Till Greg!  I found that even though I still had a bit of bloodthirst in me, I realized as an adult, I can handle the emotion.  He was able to procure tickets to several Rangers games and I loved going.   I also have a great sweet friend who gets even more bloodthirsty than myself and it's even more shocking because she's such a gentle person.  Poor woman is a Devils fan though!  But I get it 100%(the bloodthirst not the Devils) !  

At this point though, Fibromyalgia has taken that away from me too.  At least the live games, unless we get seats that come with a couch for me to lie down on.      Irony or ironies, my friend can't go either due to her own health issues.   Heartbreakingly, her issues are life threatening  as mine are just life altering.   

So yeah, though I was extremely excited and happy that Greg got to go today, I was also very sad and reminiscing to our early years.   

This all ties into today's photograph because as I was watching Greg get ready there was a beautiful bright sunny winters day(ironically again, delay of start of game due to sun glare).  So please enjoy today's photograph as I keep things in perspective while enjoying the beauty that surrounds me!   

"Exuberance"

#project365

January 25,3014 

"Exuberance"  

I just realized that I never completed the posting of this photograph yesterday.  The good news is that this sweet girl was captured yesterday while picking up Roxie's new diet making it well within the parameters of the project.    

Our dog, Roxie, has been recently diagnosed with pancreatitis.   All we can do at this point is treat the symptoms with a complete diet change.   So we tend to spend much more time than we used too in the pet food store.  Resulting in getting to admire other peoples puppies! (I spent a good deal of time trying to convince Greg to get me a puppy....even stooped to using the tumor to try to get it....all to no avail ...so now I puppy covet).    

Enjoy! 

"Mysterious"

Enjoy the mystery of "Mysterious"!   

"Wishes"

I really like today's photograph. Personally, I make a wish every time I blow out any candle but at the same time, because I've been doing it since I was a child, I don't believe the wishes will come true.   It's like the wishing well.   It's very pretty and a nice thought but the truth is that it's just sitting there to cover a piece of metal so we don't expect that the wishes will come true.   

Occasionally, a wish will come true.  And that makes it even more special because u don't expect it.   So enjoy today's "Wishes". ....go ahead and make one...u never know which way it will go! :) 

"Simply Love"

Today's photograph is dedicated to all those pets out there that are in need of adopting.  Roxie and her sisters were rescued from a kill shelter in a low populated area down south.   They were born in the shelter and along with their mother, would have been put to sleep if not rescued within 2 days from when the agency picked them up.  She is a wonderfully sweet baby girl.   I admit that we spoil her but how can u resist that face.  All she wants is to be close to us.  

So with all the love in the world I present ......."Simply Love" 

January 20,2014

I enjoyed the way the leftover snow covered the cobblestones.  Please enjoy today's photograph. 

"Encircled"

I'm the type of person who through the years has struggled with my self image just like everyone else. 

  In high school, I was plagued by the idea of gaining weight and became anorexic.  I would go to the school nurse twice a day and get on the scale.  If I weighed more than a ridiculously low amount, I would not eat or eat as small amount of food as possible.  Granted, it was never about food.  It was about control.  I could control what I did or did not eat and/or how much I weighed.  

My ex knew exactly what things I disliked about myself and purposely would not only point them out but exaggerate who bad they were.  

It took leaving him and becoming a cocktail waitress in Atlantic City for me to learn to appreciate myself. 

Truthfully though, there is always something that you can find that you don't like about yourself. The hardest thing to do is to ignore that inner bitch who will pick you apart and learn to reinforce the kind voice that speaks lovingly to us.  Make a point of accepting that no one is perfect but there are things about ourselves that we do LOVE! Dwell upon your positives! Be your own cheerleader!  

Today's photo is of something I noticed about myself that I have learned to truly love....My curls.  

Enjoy "Encircled" 

"Curve"

Life is a series of curves that we are forced to navigate in order to survive.  Some curves are hiding beautiful surprises like the birth of my children.  Some are ugly and dangerous as a black ice covered road in the middle of a blizzard like my ex-marraige.  The truth of the matter though is that most curves are a little or even a lot of both.  If I hadn't  driven down that black ice covered road in the middle of the blizzard, I wouldn't have found the beautiful gift of having my children.   Life is a series of balancing the slippery dangerous curves with the surprisingly beautiful ones.  No one ever said it was going to be easy.    Please enjoy today's "Curve" 

"Spin Doctor"

I haven't been feeling my best lately and it has been affecting my ability to express myself clearly much of the time.    This can be extremely frustrating, especially when dealing with a hormone filled angry young woman who is dying to spread her wings and fly.....and I represent the exact opposite of everything she wants right now.    I keep breathing, do my best not to lose my temper and stay tempered, remind myself that I have to set the example and make sure I tell her I love her everyday.....especially on the days when she insults me and treats me like I am the supreme enemy....I must be really dangerous....the lady who can barely walk some days and barely speak a sentence that makes sense.  

Ok.  So I was a little frustrated today but in the end, I handled things in a manner that I can be proud of and again told her that I love her.   

So without further ado, I present : 

"Spin Doctor" 

"Haunted Nest"

Today's photograph is the nest that haunts Thomas' dreams......