Wednesday, February 5, 2014

My 365


As most of you know, I started my 365 to help me find myself and my self worth again.  This isn't the first time that I have had to find myself.  I think everyone has to rediscover their selves and their self worth throughout their lives.  Maybe not always to the extremes that I have found in my life but I have never been known to do things in a small way (unless it was purposeful and then it really was large disguised as small..lol).  

We all struggle to find ourselves for the first time as a teen.   Unfortunately for me, I stumbled across my ex-husband during that time and pretty quickly, he got in my head and made me feel worthless....the better to beat you with my dear.  Seriously, he needed me doubting myself because he never was nor did he ever feel worthy of my love.  His was a self fulfilling prophecy.  "No one ever stays with me"  Well, yeah, give them enough time, even your favorite punching bag realizes that she deserves better.  Hence my first rediscovery.  

Years passed along with much counseling.  Truthfully, I built my self worth around my ability to fight back from being this mousy little girl who let some disgusting human being(for lack of a better word) convince her that she was less than she was to being a self sufficient mother of 3 who for the most part raised them alone.  I not only ran my household but I ran a successful dental office.   

Well, my disease took that away.  

I'm learning to accept help.  I'm learning to trust, even when it goes against every fiber of my self preservation.   I'm learning that my self preservation is overinflated much as my nervous system is.  She's scared that Greg will leave.  She's scared to depend upon him.  She's scared to trust him.  Well, he's been teaching her that she has nothing to fear from him and I've been having some very serious sit downs with her, trying to shut her up.  Truth of the matter is that it's been almost 7 years.  Have I been hurt at all in those years, well duh yeah, we have to leave room for the fact that I am dealing with a human male. But has he ever intentionally hurt me or hurt me in any way that is unforgivable.....absolutely not!  So it's time to let go of the lessons that men of my past have taught me and time to let the love in. 

It's also time to learn that just because my self-worth is being redefined, it does not mean that I am worth less.  I'm just worth different :)   

So all this self discovery was sparked by a comment someone made randomly on Facebook stating that they can't wait for spring so they don't have to look at the same yards covered in snow.  And then he liked my photo....LOL  Irony at it's best.    


Please enjoy todays offering (which has been delayed in posting due to Greg's light sleeping habits and my compulsion to never post anything incomplete as I know myself and it will most likely never be updated...lol)