Thursday, July 26, 2012
Today is the WHAT day of the rest of my life?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life....How many times have we heard that? Shoot how many times have I said it...to myself and to others including my children.
This blog is going to be where I can go to bitch it out...lol. Don't worry I'm not the type of person that bitching comes naturally...in fact, I'm usually the one who my friends turn to when they want to hear how they can take a bad situation and turn it around to make it positive. I like that about me. I do my best to keep things positive. So if you think I'm only gonna bitch, then sorry..
I also reserve the right to comment on whatever else I want...things I find funny, things I find stupid, things that blow my mind, highly intelligent things, etc, etc.
Allow me to introduce myself....today is the first day of the rest of my life...and my doctor has finally diagnosed me. I have fibromyalgia. I've spent the last 16 years of my life in intermittent pain of varying degrees from "damn I can't mop the floor" to "holy shit I can't get to the bathroom". My fibromyalgia began quite simply...my ex-husband liked to bang my 95 lb body into walls, floors, doors etc. Numerous times throughout our relationship he would bang my upper body and head repeatedly into the floor(at least one time it was cement and several times it was until I passed out).
Now don't think I'm not owning my part in the relationship. I stayed when I should have left. I was naive and allowed myself the foolish thought that many young women have that they can "save someone with enough love". It's bullshit girls.....they aren't worth saving...just get away...trust me...homeless and hungry was better than one more day with that man.
That being said, the result was a pinched nerve in my neck that extends through 2 of my vertebrae. This was caused by trauma and there isn't anything they can do for it(other than treat the symptoms). Well apparently, these nerves have become hypersensitive. Slowly(over the course of 16 years) the nerve damage has spread.
I know have some very funny stories to tell.(bright side here) About a year ago, the pain got intense...then it started. My right hand has a mind of it's own. It's favorite pastime is to spaz and throw things. (I mean no disrespect by this next statement but it is a judgment upon my hand and how I deal sooo if you are offended, I apologize, I don't own your bs, time to move on) I call it my retarded hand fondly (as does my family and coworkers at this point)
I have thrown patient's credit cards at the shredder at work, thrown appointment cards at patient's heads, threw my hand into a butcher knife(4 stitches for that one), thrown my toothbrush across the room while brushing causing toothpaste to cover my face and fall upon my breasts since my towel fell at the same moment,I have burned myself repeatedly (got a oven glove to help with that), oh so much fun. Basically, as time has gone on I have a numbness from my hand to my elbow on my right side. My right foot and leg up to my knee and my left foot to my ankle are numb. Recently, I have these weird electrical like feeling run through my neck, upper right back and shoulder, right side of my chest and the upper part of my right arm. (If you've ever had electrostimulation during physical therapy...it feels exactly like that tingling, sometimes some extra pain, weird, creepy, etc)
The upside...I can play with my crazy cat and can't feel it when she sinks her claws or teeth in(she looks at me with a freaky look in her eye when I don't react), I once used my numb hand to protect a good friends head when she was having a seizure, I can't feel my sunburn.
Downside....the pain obviously, I walk like C-3PO since I can't feel how hard I am putting my feet down and don't want to fall, I can't drive very far without an increase in the pain 10 fold(ps I work an hour away from home), oh yea ...did I mention the pain.
My entire life has completely changed in the last year. (There was a point 15 years ago that I was out of work for 2 years from pain but was undiagnosed and untreated during that time) Up until last May ....unless my "back was acting up", my life was very active. I would work, spend time with my kids outside doing things, go hiking, spend time with friends, go out boating, go to karaoke, etc. Now...everything is meticulously planned out and I do nothing for days in advance to prepare myself for the 3 hours I am going to spend out at karaoke with my friends. Recently, I "helped" set up for my friends surprise birthday party(I sat in a chair and held balloons that someone else blew up and put some cheese on a platter) then spent time at the party. In total, I was out of my house for 8 hours. It took 2 days to recover to the point that I could move further than the bathroom and back to bed.
I keep thinking positive and remind myself that so many other people have it worse. My children are happy and healthy overall. My man loves me and treats me like gold. My dog adores me and follows my slow ass around. My cats are a couple of sweethearts. I have a nice comfortable home that is full of love. I really have nothing to bitch about....except sometimes I do.
So dear blogosphere, here I will come to bitch occasionally, think positive and remind myself of the good things occasionally, share something funny or beautiful occasionally.